This is the true story of my experience of relocating to South Florida a few years ago. The memo is [almost] completely correct. The name has been changed to protect the guilty.
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms Rental Homes
Welcome to the pain of the beach! We are very happy that you have chosen to rent from us. You will love our beautiful venue, well-equipped fitness center and sparkling swimming pool. Residents are a friendly group and we know that you will enjoy meeting with us in many of our social activities. Enclosed is a brochure promoting our commitment to excellence in service. We believe that you will be very happy here.
Before you check in, we need to have the following funds in the certification fund. A few drops of blood on the contract will not be injured.
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Cathy Goodwin - Apt 501.
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Margin $750
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Non-refundable pet fee of USD 400
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Pet deposit $400
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Handling fee of USD 75
For your convenience, there are power, telephone, newspaper and all important cable TV service numbers. Please arrange to open them before arrival.
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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Now that you have arrived and all the utilities are connected, here are some documents for you to sign. Even if it is ninety degrees and your cat is grilled in the car, you must sign everything before we give you the key. We are not responsible for any events related to Agony Arms that may occur on or off the franchise.
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Please note that these files are blank. We will fill out the amount and send you a copy after you have signed all the amounts so that you know what you are signing.
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PS This is your own Agony Arms Gate personal card. If you lose this card, we will charge you $50. Here you have your own windshield sticker with your own number. We recorded this number in your file. Don't lose it!
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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On Friday night, I tried to enter the fitness center. It is locked. Isn't all Agony Arms residents available to use this advertising facility?
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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Surprise! You must pay a $50 key deposit before you use the fitness center. Office hours paid: Monday to Friday 9-5.
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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My publisher told me that they sent a big bag three weeks ago. The person named Andrea Addled signed the name. Where is this package now? Why didn't anyone call me?
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And, more importantly, what happened to the cookies that my best friend sent a month ago? They should be a surprise.
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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Remember the documents you signed after your stay? Well, we include giving up any responsibility related to the package in any way, including our own gross negligence. Our lawyer Big Tony has a lot of fun with this.
Our definition of premium services does not include notifying residents when the package arrives. This is the responsibility of any operator selected by UPS, FedEx or the sender. We recommend that you advise people to send packages to you only via US mail, as mail carriers will not let us stay away from their packages. Postal inspectors are much more tolerant than UPS drivers.
You can receive your parcel during our office hours and have dropped to 10-5 from Monday to Friday.
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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My publisher is angry because I missed the deadline. Instead of eating cookies, I received a bunch of crumbs and a thank-you letter from the ubiquitous Florida ants. The nearest post office is 5 miles from the hotel.
Then maybe I can go there to exercise. The fitness center has a $50 key that is destroyed and does not have any machine work. The speaker downstairs is broken. Instead of repairing them, you can play the speakers upstairs loudly. The music is terrible, and almost everyone is wearing headphones to drown it.
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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I am worried that we have so many tenants that they will not call them every time they receive a package. We were originally a one-on-one combination because we added hundreds of units, so there is no reason to add employees.
However, if you do not want us to receive the package, we will meet your wishes. We will ship every day, check your name, and respond to any information sent to you. In other words, we are willing to take the time and effort to deny your service, but will not provide you with any services first.
As for the fitness center, no one complained. We choose the music that most people like. headset? They may be listening to the stereo version of the station we chose for the speaker.
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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Last night, the tenant below me made a loud voice and the floor swayed. He didn't go back when I knocked on the door. When I learned that the only security guard after 6 pm was the minimum wage rent - the police, I couldn't hear my side in the guard house.
Out of curiosity, if no one is patrolling the ground, why are you giving us a windshield sticker?
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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Some things are mysterious and unclear.
To: All tenants
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From:Agony Arms
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To update our database, we need to know your parking tag number, your license plate number, your unit, the lease expiration date and your constellation. We need a list of authorized visitors and the purpose of their visit: business, social or family. If you do not return this form to us within five days, you may not be allowed to enter the hotel even if your lease has been paid in full.
Please note that residents of Agony Arms cannot leave the town for more than three days because we need to be able to send you surprise notifications at any time. We want to track your visitors. Think of us as your mother, not your landlord.
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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When I handed in the form, I noticed that some new brochures announced a non-refundable "renovation fee" as part of the deposit. Is this something new? Or, is my eye still cracking the questionnaire printed on bright turquoise paper with six dots? I have filled in a good card for your data entry clerk.
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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Have you seen the details of the sales brochure in the lobby? Some margins are not refundable. That's right, we didn't say anything when you looked at the property or signed the lease. But this is something everyone wants to know.
To: All tenants
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From:Agony Arms
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Ok, who changed our logo from a rental house to a state prison? Don't let us catch you.
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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I got home on Friday night and found a note on my door that accused me of not paying for pets. It sounds like a people's court, and this is where we will soon end. Since I have to provide certified funds before moving in, I think your very active "lease consultant" will check the amount and the format of the check.
Even if I owe the money, do you really believe that the handwritten manuscript handwritten on Friday morning is posted on the door handle, asking for payment at 5 o'clock on Friday night, providing you with the "professional" and "quality service" that you continue to promote?
Your notes say that if I don't pay, I will be treated as arrears and my credit will be destroyed forever. Don't you always invoice first? Haven't any other tenants worked for five years?
To: Kay Goodwin
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From: Manager, Agony Arms
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Oh, stupid me! Our bookkeeper has just been taken away and made a mistake. I believe that you can ignore this little inconvenience.
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Please note that the renovation fee includes some minor things we have done to prepare the apartment for the next tenant: washing the carpet, scrubbing, etc.
To: Painful weapons
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From: Kay Goodwin
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Your gung-ho rental consultant told me that the pet deposit should be used to replace the entire carpet, not just shampoo. Almost one cat hair is enough to make the entire apartment unsuitable for the next tenant.
Did you plan to wash the carpet before you throw it away?
Anyway, the lease says that I should leave the apartment if I find it. What will you do? In the past decade, there has been no evidence that this apartment has been decorated with anything, let alone refurbished.
Oh, yes, the attachment is the water bill that comes out now. My lease did not say anything about paying water bills. Yes, I was buried in all the documents I signed under duress, and I found a message about authorizing you to add utility payments to my bills during the 30-day notice. No notice, no check. The discussion is over.
I seem to spend more time protecting myself from forged bills than doing anything else. Why don't you change your slogan to the job-creating community Agony Arms?
To: Kay Goodwin
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From:Agony Arms
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As we said before, some things are mysterious and unclear.
To: Rental Agent
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From: Manager, Agony Arms
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Who makes this woman a painful weapon? You are invited to screen out tenants who can spell "coercion", not to mention those who know a Minister of Justice in Florida. How did we slip?
To: Kay Goodwin
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From: Manager, Agony Arms
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Of course, in Broward County, Florida or somewhere in Central America, you can find a more suitable place to live. We have heard that Mongolia is also very good. Just give us a little notice, pack your cat, take your deposit, and go. We will help you pack it.
To: All tenants
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From:Agony Arms
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Here we will no longer keep the package for more than one day. If you happen to work on the day your package arrives, then you are not lucky! Your package will be returned to the sender, then you can say "Call home!"
According to the model, we did not arrange for social events in December...
Orignal From: Moving humor - why I bought a house
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